single over the holidays – a quick survival guide

This can apply to any big family holidays, though my focus is impending Christmastime.

I will never shut up about how convenient and okay singledom is, I also can’t pretend it’s always the easiest state of being. The world is still not made for singles, and you can be sure coupledom will want to prove you need to get on board and be unhappy. Despite the hard work and intention I put into appreciating life as is, there are times when it’s harder than usual to shake off the idyllic coupledom imagery. Christmas (and other holidays) tend to take the cake here, because they like to introduce multiple and varied, sometimes underhand hurdles. Here’s a quick a guide to how I plan on surviving this holiday season in singledom. Click on the arrow next to each holiday challenge to read more.

The neglected singledom

the Neglected singledom

                  Holidays are often a showcase of shared time. While that encompasses connections across various communities, it might be tempting to fixate on specifically only sharing within a couple. Happy doubles putting up Christmas trees, drinking hot chocolate by the fire, giving each other jewelry and holding hands while shopping for presents.

Here is a gentle reminder that being single doesn’t mean Christmas is less worth celebrating or any worse in general. You can also decorate the house, have hot chocolate and shop for presents with family, however you define it. You can go to Christmas markets and light displays in your area, write Christmas cards, bake seasonal treats, sing Christmas songs and watch Christmas movies with or without company. You can get yourself that big Christmas tree, pack your gifts with all the bells and whistles, make that eggnog for yourself and yourself only. All pitfalls aside, if you like Christmas ornaments, flavors and traditions, indulge in them for the sheer pleasure of it. And if you don’t, it’s perfectly okay to check out of traditions that don’t work for you anymore.

There is so to continue filling your own cup over the holidays if you only remember to continue doing it. It might seem like the world stops during that time, but all of the tenets of your self-care need to keep going. Especially if you tend to struggle during this special time, make self-care, the affirmations, the boundaries a special priority. Continue protecting your wellbeing so you can more readily focus on counting and celebrating all the blessings you do have already.

I used to think the only place Christmas was happening is the family households, because that’s the only kind of Christmas I knew growing up. Similarly, someone else might default to only seeing it as truly happening in the presence of a significant other.  But actually, it can happen wherever you choose and wherever you give it permission to unfold. These days, I look forward to the smell of gingerbread and fresh conifers every year as soon as the summer is over and make time for it even if I am my only company or whether I’m able to share it with others. Shifting perspective can Christmas miracles.

The uncomfortable comments

The uncomfortable comments

                  Even the happiest and most social of singles have one big threat looming over the holidays: the “well-wishers” coming out of the woodwork. Old-fashioned family members you can’t avoid on this one occasion. Acquaintances from ancient times you run into while shopping in your childhood neighborhood. That one cousin who actually does wish you well but has been married since age 18 and never understood not everyone might want the same. All with triggering comments of some sort, often rooted in misplaced but well-meaning concern, more often than not though disguising venom and malice.

                  They will come at you with any repertoire of these triggers, from one liners gently boiling your blood to lengthy conversations leaving you dejected and doubting your own sanity. Some I know how to dodge or shake off, but some still make me panic. I am not particularly proud of myself, but sometimes I just sit through it and nod politely hoping they will move on to another victim with an unsatisfactory life soon. Old thought patterns resurrect and I’m back in the deepest people pleasing at extended family gatherings. I have to remind myself, and you, that it is absolutely okay to protect yourself by leaving hurtful conversations, whether or not you give an explanation. You don’t answer questions, and you most definitely do not have to humor attempts to match make you with the only other single person in your hometown. You don’t owe them your time or wellbeing, no matter your degree of separation.

                  I don’t have a groundbreaking fix to offer here, other than recommending thorough preparation. If you’re okay potentially alienating them, you could have a list of cutting or sarcastic comebacks to the usual suspects of “why are you still single”, “when will your mother enjoy grandkids” and “I’m praying for you to finally figure out your life” (real wish I receive every year at Christmas from one particularly staunch traditionalist in my family). If you prefer to avoid conflict like me, practice that enigmatic smile and swiftly moving on to another conversation. Decide on the best reaction while you’re comfortable and rational, then lean on it when the comments attack you and you’re maybe not thinking that clearly any more.

                  At the bottom of everything, however you react in the moment, the crux lies in what you do after the triggering conversations. Whatever you hear, please remember the values you’re striving towards and the person you’re trying to grow into. She is happily single, and those who try to make her feel less than are only showing their own insecurities. If they are trying to victimize you it’s to make themselves feel better so much, they will go ahead and make you feel smaller.

Let’s reposition how we interpret these comments: you definitely make them uncomfortable but it’s not because of the shortcomings of your singledom; it’s because your power and novel choices make them question their own, maybe for the first time ever. Trust yourself, not the remarks from those who need a defensive, and the best defensive is of course an offensive, not unsolicited advice from people whose opinions don’t even matter in the grand scheme of things. Have your positive affirmations locked and loaded to remind you.

If the damage is more permanent and you regress in your singledom work, don’t berate yourself, it’s nothing we can’t fix. Take a few steps back, we did know the road was going to be winding. Think through the struggles again, if need be, start again from an earlier point. Which of the opinions thrown at me should I be taking to heart, if at all? Objectively, what are my values and what kind of person am I trying to be? Go back to filling your cup for your authentic self and next year you will tackle the “well-wishers” with more resilience.

The family time

The family time

                  Family dynamics can be tricky and I wish you all the best navigating them this holiday season. One thing which might help is remembering that despite being single we are also adults with voting rights as to how our Christmas looks. Whether it’s family traditions that have to change to accommodate us, or entirely new traditions we need to truly enjoy the season, we have the right not only to ask for these changes, but directly make them happen.

 Starting with my own case, after a whole year living on a different continent, a non-stop 3 weeks living with my parents can be a lot. The family home reminds me of some old traumas, getting updated on the events I missed in the last year breaks my heart, and many of the conversations trigger me with the old-fashioned values I moved away from. I love my family with my entire heart and I cherish this time with them, but sometimes I also need to get away for a moment off.  My trick is a habit I have turning into a kind of tradition. On Christmas Eve morning, when everyone is busy doing their own last errands, I close myself in the kitchen, cooking for the meal later, and listening to Christmas songs. The mindfulness of this moment replenishes my social battery for all the days to come.

     On the opposite end of the spectrum, there might be configurations which leave the family heart wanting. Maybe for any reason you are not able to spend time with them. Maybe there are conflicts and feuds making it impossible to meet certain family members. Maybe some family members are gone forever and it still hurts.

Something I discovered way past my 30th birthday is that family is not the only thing that makes a holiday. Traditions are important and some of them can be truly worth preserving, but one of the few good things about being an adult is that we can make our own traditions, too. One time, I insisted so much to host the Christmas dinner at my place, even my intransigent dad agreed to try it out. To everyone’s shock, mum didn’t have to spend 5 days in the kitchen, and dinner tasted just as good as it does in the family home. I do believe that’s when at least my closest relatives accepted that I was an adult with a fully functioning household, not a case of arrested development, and we all collectively stopped anticipating when I would create a family unit of my own.

     Another young tradition which changed my Christmas forever was a festive gathering with my friends staying in the same city. We would gather one morning in December wearing big Christmas sweaters for a potluck-style brunch-turned all day of eating, with a melting pot of customs from all our different traditions. My circumstances have changed since and it’s been a while since we were able to do it, but it’s still one of my favorite Christmas memories. And a secret trick in my Christmas repertoire I can use as inspiration if I need it in the future.

     New traditions  and standing up for yourself as an adult with needs can help salvage our mental health when the old ones are too much or not enough. Will you feel stronger if a friend tags along for your family dinner? Will you feel less hounded if you refuse to sit at the children’s table for once (unless you want to, because let’s face it, it might be much more fun than the main table)? Whether it’s creating space for alone time and a tradition with just yourself, or maybe reaching out to those you miss during the festivities, or dedicating special time to remember those no longer with us and honor the grief, we are not stuck with the same old motions every year. You have the power to make some things happen, and that includes how and with whom you are spending the holidays.

The loneliness

the Loneliness

              It’s no secret that loneliness is a growing problem in today’s world despite growing connectivity. While in a bout if loneliness it will seem like we are not only profoundly isolated but also the only ones experiencing the feeling, the thing about negative feelings is that they like lying to us. The reality is usually not as bad as they would have us believe. Being single, especially living alone, can also become more difficult at this time, when a lot of couples might have separate plans, and we are bombarded with movies and ads trying to make even this family time into a romantic one. I like a good Christmas rom com as much as the next person, but if it’s making you depressed something is not right.

     Of course, getting over feelings of loneliness is not as easy as 123, but here are a few reminders that might help. Firstly, the reason why I insist on referring to it as a “feeling” of loneliness is to emphasize that we have the power to influence it to a certain extent. It’s not an objective fact, it’s a subjective reaction to the circumstances. As such, while we do have to acknowledge its presence, it is temporary by nature. Eventually the holiday limbo will end and the usual will take back its place. In the meantime, thinking about the feeling’s reasons can help find remedies for it.

Am I feeling lonely because I see people making plans and they don’t include me? How about asking to join one of the plans? It might seem cringeworthy, but after 1 sentence of cringe you could be enjoying a whole day of shared joy. Maybe there is a group of friends who would like to make an incremental plan together. Maybe there’s someone else also slightly left behind for the holidays, and you can support each other. This year I am not able to fly home for Christmas but I’m lucky to have a few friends in the same situation so we will make our own Christmas in the tropics. It won’t be the same as burrowing myself in my mum’s kitchen, but it’s a celebration nonetheless.

Am I feeling lonely because all my activities are on pause until January and suddenly, I have nothing to do? It might be a good occasion to focus on learning how to do “nothing”, and rest properly. If that’s not the issue and you’re already getting plenty of rest, maybe it’s a question of exploring new seasonal activities with or without friends to tag along? Maybe it’s time to try ice skating for the first time, get creative making gifts with your own hands, organizing caroling with your neighbors, volunteering at a soup kitchen or creating new traditions (as per the previous point).

Whatever you end up doing, try not to make a fortnight of depression and isolation under the covers (unless this is the kind and amount of rest you actually need). Reach out and go out, to escape your own negative thoughts.

The comparisons

The COMPARISONS

                  Some holidays mark milestones in the year that spark reflection. Christmas, Diwali or Lunar New Year are particularly suspect, as they mark the transition to new year and a new anything often comes hand in hand with a critical look at the old. With everyone wrapping up the year, tracking goals, hoping for better things to come I also reluctantly yield to the Christmas/ EOY frenzy.

Even knowing it’s not something we should be doing, evaluation time usually veers off towards comparing ourselves. Where we are in life vis a vis our friends, family, or worst of all, people on social media? The risk might also be further amplified by the many social events happening around the big holidays – meeting old acquaintances, extended family, blasts from the past – all can trigger comparisons even where we think we got rid of them. I am particularly guilty of momentarily forgetting where my values are around a certain part of my family. On a normal day I would never want to trade places with them, but prolonged exposure over multiple Christmas days makes me feel like I’ve failed at life every single year, until I retire to the peace of a toilet cubicle to remind myself who I am.

Here’s another gentle reminder not to badger yourself if the comparisons happen, it really is difficult to get over this thought pattern for which we are, after all, naturally wired. When they inevitably happen, let’s not give them room to fester and spread. Remembering everyone is on a different life path and a different schedule, the only relevant comparison is to ourselves in the past. If we managed to progress in any way, that’s already good enough. And if we haven’t, here’s a much better topic to focus on: rather than comparing to others, what kind of progress do we want to make in the new year? Again, like with the triggering comments, take the time to recalibrate back to the healthier patterns you’re trying to practice.

Are there any other big challenges holidays can throw at single people? Probably many. But whatever the festive season brings, let’s try to keep sight of anchor points to move past it. Remember you are single as a circumstance not anyone’s fault and that’s not any less true over the holidays, so celebrate them if you like. Repel the haters who suggest otherwise and focus your energy on the lovelier aspects of the season: sharing, loving (not necessarily a S.O.) and the traditions that make your heart that much fuller. Hold on tight to affirmations and distance you traveled towards happy singledom, and when the negative feelings strike let them come and go. They do not cancel out the whole time you’ve been working on yourself, doing well and progressing.

I’m wishing everyone a safe and heart-filling festive season. If it’s anything but, I’m sorry you are experiencing it, but I know you can get through it and better things are ahead!

Your single friend

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