How to fill your own cup – an introduction
Talking about the benefits of singledom might be easy when you’re happily settled into it, but how does one actually get there? It’s not as easy as 5 steps, really - but we have to start somewhere. Trying to think back about my own mindset shift, all I can see is piles of mess, much going back and forth, and recurring frustration over being able to understand I should be fine, and yet not feeling even remotely close to fine. I won’t sugarcoat it, because the struggle is real. But in all that rubble, even if it doesn’t look like it from inside, there are definitely recurring themes one can hold on to and return to, and they are surprisingly resembling general tips for a happier life. Because a happy single life is just a normal happy life, too. Here is how I classify the 5 steps to get us closer to achieving it.
While a bullet point list might look like neat and straight line to achieving goals, I can assure you there will be nothing straightforward about working on one’s happiness, whether single or not. This is why, although I know you’re itching to jump to the recipe of 5 steps, I will start with quite a few disclaimers.
Firstly, like most work on the self, this comes with a warning that you struggle along the way, and that’s okay. One of the bigger challenges will be to let yourself struggle and not give up. But friend, please continue even when it seems like the end is nowhere in sight. As my therapist keeps repeating, emotion follows action. Or eventually it will. Nobody wakes up in the morning saying they are excited and looking forward to struggling. It’s easy to fall into the all-or-nothing thinking, too, and abandon everything after having one especially bad cheat day. You might question the process, when it looks like a super slow progress bar on your computer screen, visibly slower than those of others despite using the same wifi and laptop model. But remember this: 10% of progress is still better than none, and that is the benchmark to keep in sight, not other progress bars. Even if you do one tiny thing a week, as long as you keep stacking the micro building blocks, they will eventually add up to something and you will feel the difference.
People like to say it takes 20-30 days to form a habit. However in reality, quoting the best-selling Atomic Habits, in an actual scientific study people took “anywhere from 18 to 254 days (…) to form a new habit”. Add to it the setbacks, multiply by the many habits you might have to develop/ change, and we are looking at, well, a really long time. The good news is, as the first step is doing nice things for yourself, the short-term effects might be visible immediately. Cherish and record these small wins, keep checking in versus the beginning of your journey today to continue. Forgive yourself in advance for falling off the wagon, as long as you hold on to it with your pinky finger and eventually come back. Set smaller and more realistic goals as you go along, if goals are your thing, ultimately the goal is to feel just a little bit less bad than a week, a month, a year ago. And at all times remember some more quotes: “Life is hard because it's hard not because you're doing it wrong” (Andrea Owen, How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t), so by extension it’s not hard because you’re single either, life work is hard for everybody, including those who have met the love of their lives. And even though it’s hard, “we can do hard things!” (Glennon Doyle, Untamed).
There is no singledom work that is cleanly cut off from general wellbeing work – that’s why so many general advice can be applicable here. The intertwined things are like slices of Swiss cheese. Each one will have holes. The holes are what you expect to see in a Swiss cheese slice, it wouldn’t be Swiss cheese without the holes. However, each slice will have different shape, size and number of holes. Similarly, our mental wellbeing (also in singledom), is composed of different layers, many slices stacked on top of each other. And there will be holes in each slice of your life, because when human lives are concerned, there is no such thing as perfection. There will be good and bad days, there will be things you are good at and those you’re not. We are not here to judge anyone’s cheese holes, because they make them who they are: a wonderful, beautiful and yes, flawed person.
What happens when you have your many slices with holes and put them on top of each other? The holes are covered up. Each hole-y slice is supported by another slice which fills up the empty space, until you have a solid block. That’s a solid block of self-care, which offers protection and replenishing strength to face the everyday challenges. See the original visual, posted on Instagram by The Worry People:
Now let’s adapt it to be a block of self-care that protects you, a perfectly fine single person, from the pressures, jabs, outdated opinions and hostility of the world ruled by coupledom. No one of the slices will magically solve all the issues, but stacked together they are quite a thick armor. In a theoretical nutshell, we will be starting the layering with self-understanding and loving that self any way we can, because at the end of the day you are the absolute, forever lasting love of your life. Then we progress to enriching the singledom space further with time well spent: with people who uplift us, doing things that get us closer to the whole person we want to be, expressing through actions the self-love. In reality, until things start falling into place, you will more likely be working on bits and pieces from all layers in parallel, picking and choosing which element gets you through this particular day, whether it's a yoga class or a helpful affirmation or looking forward to spending time with your cat. The struggle is not only long, it’s also a bit of a mess sometimes.
Finally, although I am passionate about mental health and have used everything I’m writing about on myself, I am not a mental health professional and I am simplifying certain topics not to make this post become a book. If you’re struggling with clinical depression or anxiety, abusive environment or other serious issues, I beg you to see a specialist first and not DIY it. As you read this, please remember that all the points I am making have worked for me, in varying degrees, to get me to my current, quite okay state. Not all of them might work for you, and that’s okay. You might think of other ways to achieve similar results – that’s even better. ultimately it is supposed to be a build your own adventure exercise. If you feel like sharing additional ideas, please let me know so I can also expand the list and learn from you, too. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Note: Links to more detailed posts on each point will be added gradually
0. Decide how MUCH you want it
The steps outlined below only make any sense if you truly want to change your mindset about singledom. Trying to reframe deeply rooted convictions without a new conviction might even leave you feeling worse with its pointlessness. Bu all means still read through please, because the more you read on the topic the higher the chances something will click and the conviction will materialize, even if you're still on the fence. We can't make lasting changes without deeply believeing in them, but even believing migt take time. The pre-belief stage is still better than denial. But again, to see any lasting change, the mind needs to be ripe for it. It's like giving your best friend the same advice endless times with no effect, only to see her magically live itone day when she's internalized it and ready. Am I speaking from experience? As always, yes. As alifelong sad girl with bouts of actual depression, I read all the popular advice books on choosing your own happiness, the information washing over me without impact. I knew too well that we don't choose to be this level of sad, so why were they telling me to choose to be happy and get on with it? One day, with years of self-reflection inside of me and the one book that explained and put together everything I knew in a non-BS way I could understand, I understood what choosing a minsdet actually means. Only when I was ready, and only when I met the right explanation for me. This is why I also want to share as much as I can with you, so you can also find your own way to choosing.
This is the "click" book, if you're interetsed, and yes, I am going to write about it in more detail. Do not get misled by Oprah being the co-author, she is barely in it and it's surprisngly full of frameworks.
1. Start with the basics
Whatever work is ahead of you in terms of flourishing in singledom, it will be much easier when your basic physical needs are tended to and your thoughts have room to develop. Make sure your self-care is on point. Start with the absolute basics, which get easily neglected among the everyday pressures:
- Hydrate and seek nourishing food (it’s not the end of the world if you have junk food days)
- Incorporate gentle movement into every day (it can be just a walk around the block)
- Get enough sleep
On top of these, consider mixing and matching from some of the ideas below. Keep the ones which make a noticeable difference, move past the ones that don’t:
- Recharge in nature
- Consider yoga and meditation
- Schedule in pampering time: a massage / long bath / face mask/ other (I can’t relate, but one of my friends finds peace and relaxation in doing her make-up in the morning – whatever works!)
- Journal your feelings
- Explore mindfulness
- At the end of each day note down at least one (preferably three) good or satisfying thing that happened (often referred to as “gratitude” exercise, but I simplified it in case, like me, you feel a gag reflex coming on at the sight of this term)
2. Meet your authentic self
If you’re anything like me, you have developed many a coping strategy to survive in the world and meet the expectations of others. It’s time to ask yourself what is it that you are doing because it aligns with who you are and your values, and what needs to be edited out as an obligation you got used to, serving no-one in particular (and especially not you). Who is the real you, honestly? Who does she want to become? Meet her, gradually.
- Make a list of your shortcomings (honest one!). Acknowledge them and forgive yourself. No-one is punishing you for imperfection.
- Make a list of your strengths and achievements (again, honestly and digging deep. No one is going to read it except you. Achievements don’t have to be big things). To make it easier and more objective, consider asking good friends and consider taking tests like Clifton Strengths to help you articulate your thought. Keep this list handy for when you are feeling confused, down, or struggling with low self-worth.
- Make a list of values important to you. When it’s ready, keep it handy, too.
- Try to describe the person you would like to be in terms of the values she represents and feelings she puts out into the world. If that person wears 3 sizes smaller dresses and has a boyfriend, try again, because we are talking about values not possessions (to “have” a boyfriend is about possessing).
- Finally, think about spending time alone: do you like it or does it fill you with dread? If it’s the latter, we might need to add one more point to this how-to list to tame the alone time step by step and figure out just how much of it is acceptable for you.
- Keep editing all the lists as you go along: each new experience might give you new insight.
Now with all this self-knowledge in mind, you can do three things. Firstly, you can give yourself permission to disengage with people and activities who do not match your values or fail to appreciate your strengths.
Secondly, you can start making choices which get your closer to who you’d like to be, in way that is personal to you. To give an example, I know I’m generally anxious so I accept that in order to do my solo trips I need copious amounts of planning and checking emergency numbers to feel safe, and that’s a non-negotiable part of the process, so I also know I cannot be strongarmed into spontaneous trips, despite how “cool” someone else mind find them. The self-knowledge helps me keep my ground and remember everyone is different, so my extra-preppy style is not inferior.
And finally, looking at your strengths, weaknesses, values and aspirations, though simplified, is the starting point of loving yourself compassionately. Like you would a partner. There is no point trying to change yourself, so give her the love. You can even try writing a love letter to yourself, to read when you lapse into feeling unworthy.
- One more step: consider therapy, if it’s available to you.
I know therapy can be expensive and, in some circles, it still carries the “I’m not crazy” stigma. But if you can afford it at all, I strongly recommend it to everyone to try at least once. It really is nothing like talking things out with a friend or journalling it out. A certified therapist will also not try to invent mental issues if you don’t have any. What they can do for you, that I don’t think anything else can, is help you find unresolved issues, scars and notions that hold you back. Sometimes received notions can furrow so deeply within us, we truly can’t tell somebody else’s expectations or opinions from our own, or struggle to get to the root causes of issues. I landed in therapy with heartbreak I didn’t think I could get over, only to learn it was never about the guy (it actually rarely is), but about all the self-hate I was trying to mask with his presence in my life. Self-hate, mind, that was rooted in what others kept saying to my teenage version, and it got stuck so deep I wasn’t able to call BS on it. Many years later, I am still grateful to my therapist for giving me the wake-up call, and I occasionally go back to therapy when I’m at my wit’s end. Just keep it as an option if the life struggle is particularly unbearable for you – there may be something deeper behind it.
3. The singledom work begins: observe your thoughts to reframe them
Once you’re well rested and self-aware enough to take on harder challenges, it’s time to examine where your struggle is coming from. Try to catch your emotions and thoughts when you’re particularly unhappy about being single. What are they? Can you write them down? Journalling helps a lot with identifying and untangling what is going on there.
When you are feeling and thinking in the negative, let’s identify where it is coming from. Is it because of convictions you hold? The values you hold dear? Maybe you feel there is something missing in your life that the other person could resolve? Dig deep, “I’m sad because I don’t have a boyfriend” is only the surface level. There’s a technique in problem solving called “the 5 whys” – keep asking “why” again and again until you get to the root causes of what really bothers you – usually that happens after asking 5 times.
Once you have the list, get creative. How can you resolve these underlying problems by yourself? Can it help at least partially if you meet more people? Reconnect with old friends? Spend more time with family? Try doing things alone for the first time ever? Develop a new skill – maybe go to a class to learn it? Is there a book you can read on the topic?
Ultimately, being single in itself is not a root cause of unhappiness, it's just your life circumstance, like being born in your country, at this time in history, with the particular set of talents and physical features. Or like the weather. Assuming it as a neutral fact with consequences, how can you build what you want around it is the real question.
4. Reinforce the positive, eliminate the toxic
Some of the work will consist of reframing what you learned or subverting stereotypes. Look back at what you noticed in point 2. Despite wanting to be happy, do you still feel deep down like maybe you’re single because there is something wrong with you? Do you feel shame because your parents keep expressing their disappointment in not having a son in law and grandkids? Again, dig deep because we need to hit the real causes of your current distress. Now you have them committed in writing, let’s do these three things:
A. Take these depressing, limiting beliefs and reverse them into positive statements. For example, if you believe being single is a punishment for not being good enough, one of your must-have statements will go along the lines: “I am worthy as I am. Being single is nobody’s fault, it’s just a neutral circumstance”. Then push yourself even harder and try to think of positive things you are able to experience precisely because you are single.
Have a set of such statements, which we can reluctantly call “affirmations”, and return to them every time you notice negative thoughts coming on again. It’s your devious inner critic berating you and the only treatment the critic deserves is ignoring them or showing them just how wrong they are. In the beginning, having the arsenal of statements ready can help doing just that.
B. Now do the same with the negative signals you might be getting from outside sources, like family members or popular culture. If they are making triggering comments, remember that it’s actually not about you, but about their own worldview which is rooted in old values. They have not evolved with the times yet. With that in mind, you can choose to treat them the same way as your sabotaging inner critic: ignore them and their comments, or refute them with one powerful statement – even if you are the only one hearing yourself say it. You might also consider if some of the people who keep wanting you to feel like crap are worth keeping in your life, which is especially challenging if they are family members. I leave that reflection up to you, but if you decide some toxic commenters do need to be around you, at least strip them of power to be taken seriously. See next point.
C. In order to fight both the inner critic and the outside challenges, your belief in yourself and the new frame of positive singledom needs to be constantly supported until it fully clicks. Stay curious, read books and online content that help you build your affirmations and set your stronger in the new mindset. Unfollow accounts whose content makes you feel worse. Decide which voices count, and therefore their feedback can be taken into account, and which don’t, and therefore they can keep talking at you but you’ll let them go. Your grand-aunt reminding you that the clock is ticking every chance she gets does not count.
5. Start building
All the previous points focused on filling up the holes which might be causing you to lose energy and hope. Once you start patching them up and leakage is slowed down, you can start actually filling up. The cup of your life will already be partially full with the self-care and letting go of the crushing guilt. The rest is finally a pleasant exercise of allowing yourself to do what makes you feel good and quitting the waiting mode. Try those hobbies you always wanted to try. If you want to start learning the piano at 35 years old, be my guest. If you always wanted to go crazy at karaoke but were holding back because you would look silly, go ahead and do it. Realize that there is no one stopping you but yourself, and perhaps the amount of downtime you need: we are not aiming to throw you into overcommitting and burning out like you’re trying to numb the pain. The point of healing first is also so you can be comfortable in stillness and alone time, and take as much rest as you need without feeling lonely, knowing you have more than enough things on your plate to make it full.
Let me share some ideas, then you take it from there:
- Make your living space pretty – it’s not less worthy of attention because maybe you live alone or share an apartment with roommates. If it gives you joy to be surrounded by certain colors and objects, get them in.
- Treat yourself – in the words of philosopher Miley Cyrus (sic!), you can buy yourself the flowers if that makes you smile. Whatever makes you smile, do more of that, whether it’s drinking tea, looking at the sky, chatting to your barista or putting on your favorite stretched hoodie, there’s no thing too small.
- Romanticize your life – it’s already great if you’re allowing time to do more of what makes you happy, but even that can be taken to the next level with a little mindful pampering. Watch that movie by candlelight, or prepare a spread of cute pastries to reach for as you read. Anything to make you feel the main character energy flowing inside you. It can also help get over some of the less than pleasant chores – you won’t catch me washing dishes without a spooky podcast or audiobook on to make the time worthwhile.
- Spend time with others – new friends, old friend, pet friends or volunteering friends, get that feeling of belonging
- Revisit old hobbies – it’s never too late!
- Try what you always wanted to try doing, even if you fail at least you’ll know it’s not for you and who knows, maybe it will turn out to be your new favorite thing
- Try out things your future self would thank you for – what makes you admire other people and think they are cool The future self you thought up in point 2, what makes her great? Is it their stylish wardrobe? The way they can present things? Their ability to dance / knit / cook / travel etc? Why not trying those things and feel like the coolest person in the room, too? I can guarantee there’s people who find you the coolest already, but how cool is it to try things instead of just coveting them from a distance?
- Do the dating / hookup life if it brings you legitimate enjoyment and helps fill your cup in ways friendships can’t. If it doesn’t, you don’t have to make room for it in your agenda just because it’s expected. It’s not an obligation, and as such, if it doesn’t spark joy the Marie Kondo way, we declutter it to let in what does. How about, taking yourself out on a self-date and celebrate the most important person in your life (that is, yourself, in case the point is not landing).
At the risk of repeating myself, the work to happy singledom is not easy or quick, especially starting from a dejected and self-hating place, but it’s a necessary suffering. And after all, isn’t it better to endlessly suffer in guilt and sadness, or suffer towards a positive cause beaming at the end of the road? By taking the time to tend to your physical and mental hygiene, focusing on healing old wounds and harmful beliefs you carry around, deciding whose opinions and comments you let into your life, you can move out from the dark place. Then the only way us up, filling your healed soul with all the wonderful things that make you unique and maybe, eventually, dare I say it, happy. Don’t give up on stacking those Swiss cheese slices until you get there!
